My Blog

POINTS AND WHAT IFS

At some point in our lives we find someone who’s worth keeping

What if that someone lets go of you, is it all worth the fighting?

As you drown yourself with blinding hope and endless dreaming

Have you ever thought for a moment; is it all worth pretending?

At some point we learn the enigmatic complexion of trusting

What if someone breaks your trust again and again, is it worth forgetting?

As you try so hard to embrace the righteous act of forgiving

Have you ever asked yourself; are the lies still worth believing?

At some point we see in someone else’s eyes our life’s meaning

What if those eyes show no more love, would you waste your time searching?

As you watch yourself suffer, with a heart that’s bleeding

Have you ever thought for once; that your life was worth redeeming?

I am strangled by my own fears, choking me, making it hard for me to breathe. My chest hurts like I’m lying flat being buried alive with rock and sand. I have so much fear in me; I am clouded by too much doubt. I see good things in us in this future but it seems so far away, I take each step closer to you but it seems I’m going nowhere. Am I misguided by my own doubt? Or is it you going to a different direction? I’ve walked for quite some time now but it seems I’m not moving any closer, not even close to your own shadow. I saw you walking towards me, as I think I have, but am I fooled by hopes and the happiness you have shared with me?

I am now turning back, walking away from the visions of you, thinking and hoping that you walked the opposite direction and somehow, somewhere we will meet at the far end in this spherical world. Like circles, we draw them from one point but end up on the same spot. How I wish life would end up like that, it could be impossible, but as long as this heart beats your name, a fool’s hope is enough to keep me believing.

I hope you will find the answers to the questions you seek for it will bring you peace of mind, and it shall bring me peace of mind as well…

I hope you will overcome the doubts in your heart for it will lighten your burden, and to my burden as well…

I hope you will find the courage to let go of your hurtful past just like I did for it will ease your pain, and it shall ease my pain as well…

My hopes are for us…

Fool’s hopes that are clothing me against the cold winds of loneliness…

It is a story BETWEEN him and her

They both had good memories of a long past, quite long for each of them to easily hold on to some things that are better left undone… better left behind.

What he wanted to leave behind was never the good memories that was once shared to someone who gave him reasons to be happy but the hatred that was growing inside because of the betrayal that gave him the same reasons to give up. The pain drowned him to the depths of emotional havoc, made him the worse person than he was before. Doubt clouded his mind and eventually led him to ruin his life and even some of those around him. His broken trust was passed on to some who were innocent and bleak.

At the other corner of an aerial space of this world, someone was feeling his pain and trauma coincidentally. Coincidence in a sense that more than a thousand might be carrying the same burden he was carrying but their roads intertwine like it was meant to be. She had good memories too, and she holds on to it even now, even the not-so-good ones.

It was then time and fate that let them into each other’s company…later in each other’s arms…it was good, making their own memories, building trust from a ruined one from the past. Building something that was longed by him…probably longed by her too. Days became months full of smiles that made their once slightly miserable worlds into a blissful one. Every day having each other was a kind of a healing process just by mere exchanges of sweet nothings. Though they live their lives literally apart, like miles away, they still made it feel like they were close to each other. Too close that just by reading her messages in the phone seems like touching her face, her cheeks, her lips.

It was all good BETWEEN the two of them. Though they never knew where it was going, to them what was happening at the moment was more special than anything in their own little world. They both knew uncertainty was ahead of them, it was like travelling with zero visibility in front of them. It was a one-step thing for them, only inches away from the line out from their comfort zones.

What was made and what was built by them was something they wanted, something they longed for. Like redemption of the failures from the past. What they had was indescribable; they don’t know what they were to each other. They were happy but something was missing, incomplete in a sense because the relationship didn’t have what it takes to be a couple though they acted like one. It was somewhat like IN BETWEEN being friends and lovers. It seemed the love was around, but there was the absence of commitment.

As they both know great things fall, the greatest thing they built together was slowly falling pieces by pieces by the uncertainty and doubt of what was to come. They were only a step away from taking the risk to get out of their comfort zones but no one took it. If only one had overcame the fear they both embraced for so long, they could have seen what was behind the vagueness that was in front of them. They could have answered the questions that were lingering in their minds. And so eventually their little blissful world crumbled down. They chose to stay inside their comfort zones and continued to struggle, haunted by their own pasts.

He eventually gave up and took the step beyond the line, left the things that were preventing him to grow. She was still struggling, still haunted by the unknown of her past. But then again, fate intertwined the two of them, and now it’s starting to feel like things are going back from the beginning, a rendezvous of bliss, fear and sadness in a world that they have once built. And now it seems like they are rebuilding what was left of it, but some things never change, they are still both IN BETWEEN…

Change…the only thing constant in this world as they say. Certain moments, any particular happening can change one’s life entirely with a blink of an eye. Sometimes it seems like it took a micro second for someone or something to change. So quick that we couldn’t believe in ourselves, sometimes we deny for the reason that we witnessed the transitions but we were not able to do anything about it. We saw what was coming in front of us but the doubt was like contact lenses that made the figures look far…far from happening…like a vision from an inverted telescope. Then it hits you hard, knocking you down…then you wake up feeling helpless…then helplessness consumes the memories you have kept in your heart…memories of happiness. Soon you’ll realize that what happened was meant to happen, it was probably part of a certain cycle. Then blame fate for the loss and the failures that was caused by the mere lack of guts, the love of fear…the fear of pain…the emotional pain…

Change is inevitable in one’s life…life is what we have in this world…the world is nothing but a constant change of events…constant change of lives…and so the cycle exists…

And now…I am here helpless by the changes…and I thought, I am just as helpless as those people affected by the changes that happened in my life in the past… and just as helpless for some as our lives change in the future. I just hope the changes are for the better, for me, for you, for all of us…

Change…isn’t it life itself??? To stop it is like holding your breath…then life is taken away…

You may ask who am I in this society full of stereotypes that consumes everyone’s identity and in the end, no one recognizes us. You might be wondering what is it in me to have the guts to tell a story about something I am about to write. Well then, I will answer these questions if it is indeed in your minds.

I am one of the thousand or maybe million members of a brotherhood that have existed more than a century throughout the world. I am an ALPHASIG, and I belong in a fraternal bond between the sacred virtues and discipline of my beloved ALPHA SIGMA PHI.

Let me tell you my story being a young dreamer who fortunately went to a well known university to pursue my dreams. Fortunate in a sense that I was given the chance to study in an institute that is longed by many yet their parents could not afford. Life in SillimanUniversity is shall I say diverse, with mixed cultures from all over the Philippines, even from some other foreign countries. The life I had way back then was exciting for the fact it was a life of imaginative independence. Imaginative for the main reason that you think you are standing on your own, but everything you have, the food you eat, the money you spend, the place you’re staying, even the underwear you’re wearing, almost all if not totally, doesn’t come from you but from your parents. (To those who are working to finance your studies, your diligence will earn my respect)

So there, life inside Silliman’s portals is something to treasure. The way you grow depends on how you’ve learned for inside this institute, wisdom and the teachings it caters makes it a holistic environment, an environment that is a great factor of success in the outside world. (I need not mention the negative ones coz as what I have said, it depends on how you’ve learned…dealt with the things around you)

Now, so much of this introduction and I think I have advertised Silliman a bit too much. The main reason why I am writing this is the events that will unfold in the story, in a chapter where I learned the basic principles of brotherhood and camaraderie. At a certain point in the early years of my college life, I decided to be a part of a fraternity for some reasons others cannot understand. One of them was my family who’s both sides never considered the word “fraternity” as part of their vocabulary. It was painful for them when they knew I was already a member, it was an act of disrespect in their eyes. I took all the lectures and the scolding but never did it make me regret. What had happened certainly proves that it is better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission… (A little devilish grin at the corner of my lips). Yes, they forgave me and accepted the decision I made, even supported me in some national affairs of the fraternity. For this reason, I would like to thank my family with the sincerity of my heart.

Most of the people around me, friends and relatives asked me what made me decide to join ALPHA SIGMA PHI. Many have wondered why others like me choose to endure the hardships and the great pain of becoming a frat man. For some there are simple reasons: a person’s need of belongingness in a place far away from his home, family traditions, others for mere status symbol. Me? I have my own reasons and I know most couldn’t understand the answers but somehow it motivated me to prove them something, to prove to them that there were no regrets when I made that decision. What made me decide to join ALPHA SIGMA PHI was not the fame it would bring to me. Yes, somehow the origin and the age of its existence having been established in the year 1845  and is acknowledged internationally was part of it. Being branded as one of the oldest fraternity existing today, not to mention being one of the most respected fraternities in the world, these facts somehow lingered in my mind. But what truly amazed me were the virtues and how the fraternity changed the lives of its members dramatically. ( to those brothers and sisters who invited the speaker in our orientation, you guys definitely made the right choice…having Brother Edgar Sison as our speaker was a privilege and somehow was a big aspect in convincing us and I thank you guys, Brother Erlan, Brother Hope, Brother Roland aka Pare, Sister Jan-jan, Sister Cha-cha Brother Edgar, and to the rest I failed to mention, for that day you made 16 individuals change the course of their lives and learned the principles that guided them into where they are right now)

I became a member and later accepted the responsibilities of being the Grand Chancellor. For me it was one of the hardest tasks I ever had in my entire life. It was the best training I had that extracted a little potential of leadership that was somehow growing deep within me. I have brothers and sisters who really helped me out at times of trouble inside the organization and even made ALPHA SIGMA PHI as one of the TOP 10 organizations in the university. (Bro Joshua, Bro Dexter, Bro Nikki, Bro Porkchop, Bro Steward, Sis Ilona, Sis Cynthia, Sis Sally, Sis Yvonne, Sis Ren2x and the rest of batch 2000-A, the Marchan brothers, Bro Shroudel, Bro Spart, Sis Candy and the rest of batch 2000-B, the batches who followed us, Brother Kim, and his batch mates, Bro Toto and Bro Junex, the Alumni, and the rest of the members of ALPHA SIGMA PHI Beta chapter…I thank you all for becoming a part of my life)

I have become a part of a brotherhood that has protected lives, nurtured fragile individuals, trained leaders to become great men, even defied the long old conflicts of religious beliefs. I am an ALPHASIG, and the blood that runs through my veins is an ALPHASIG’s blood. In each hardship I will face, I will live by the principles I have learned inside the mystic circle. In times when I have to bleed, every last drop of my blood will show the colors of a true ALPHASIG and what we are made of.

To my beloved brothers and sisters around the world, let us instill in our minds how privileged we are to be part of this brotherhood/sisterhood. Let it be our unending goal to make everyone know that we exist in this world, that we are certain to break the hour glass and let the sands of time be blown into eternity to make our existence everlasting. Let us spread the virtues and principles of ALPHA SIGMA PHI by living with it and set the example for the rest to witness. Let us not fear the trials in each step we will take, even when we face death or defeat, we will rise from our ashes like the phoenix did.

I am FRED JEDAN TORRALBA CARNICE, I am an ALPHASIG, and my fraternity ALPHA SIGMA PHI made me more than a gentleman, a man you and the whole world ought to know. And so part of my story ends here, and hope some of yours would begin…

p.s. to those I haven’t mentioned, my apologies…but you guys know you’re part of what I have become now and I thank you for that. Sail on!!

apoloGIZe

(one republic)

I’m holdin’ on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
And I’m hearin’ what you say,
But I just can’t make a sound.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down…
But wait…
You tell me that you’re sorry,
Didn’t think I’d turn around…
And say…

That it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late…
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.

I’d take another chance,
Take a fall, take a shot for you.
I need you like a heart needs a beat,
But it’s nothin’ new.

I loved you with a fire red,
Now it’s turnin’ blue…
And you say…
Sorry, you’re not the angel
Heaven let me think was you…
But I’m afraid…

It’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.

It’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.

songs…songs…songs…words like different colors of clay molded together that formed a figure of someone’s past, present, and future…i’ve been listenin’ to this song literally almost a hundred times this past week…and it seems i can never stop to relate…but i hope i’m midway of this crisis…i wish the next time i hear this song…it would be a figure of the past…a picture of good memories i will keep for a lifetime…

I would like to apologize about the text colors, bear with me; it is relevant to the song…

"Home by Daughtry"

I’m staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I’m going to the place where love
And feeling good don’t ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain.

Well I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don’t want.
Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

connect them and then u’ll feel me…

There are days when we wake up finding ourselves by the same feeling we tried so hard to forget. A feeling we want to escape from even if it was a vessel of good memories and a handful of bliss. Feelings that sometimes we do not understand, we cannot identify nor comprehend. Someone once said that we are often confused between a strong feeling and the thing we called love that sometimes we end up intertwining the two. Then leads us to embrace fear, the fear to risk and the fear to make mistakes. But somehow we’ll find out the difference between them the moment that person walks away…quite true indeed. But for some reasons we try to forget memories and walk away from it to save us from pain. Why? Coz memories, specially the good ones are the cause of all hang ups in ones life. Memories are the reasons why one cannot let go from his past…reasons why one cannot move on.

Before things could end up that way, before hearts get broken, lives get bitter, it is good to wait. Have a grip on yourself and see, think, rewind the back tracks of your life. The triumphs and the fall, the rejection and the pain, the lessons learned. To have patience is hard but it would cost you less trouble. LET INFATUATION DIE A NATURAL DEATH a friend told me once, and let true love spring forth from deep with in at the right time. Yes, there is such thing as a right time and to hell those who don’t believe. Sometimes it’s not all about chances but the wait. After all, chances, choices, they come and go, but patience? It’s something we are privileged of having and is something that can’t be taken away from us.

On the night of the 14^th of February…yes…that’s Valentines Day…I grabbed a book called our daily bread at my room (it’s free when you buy an IPANEMA slippers at a boutique called TRAFFIC…hehehe). My mom always had that kind of small book ever since the first time I opened my eyes. I read something from this book and somehow it hit me hard…it says and I quote “today, MANY PEOPLE WILL FEEL THE ABSENCE OF LOVE, AS KEENLY AS OTHERS CELEBRATE ITS PRESENCE “

True isn’t it? No matter how we try to fool ourselves from things that make us feel good, we cannot deny the fact that all in this world WON’T cry JUST BECAUSE WE’RE SAD. NOT EVERYONE COULD FEEL THE STATE OF OUR EMOTIONS AT A CERTAIN POINT OF TIME. Anybody WON’T REALLY CARE WHEN WE ARE MISERABLE AND FUSTRATED if they are not in the same boat sailing in the SEAS OF OUR DESPAIR. Let those who are happy now be happy now, don’t pull and drag them down into the pit of your pain. It’s not bad to confide, but never expect them to understand or feel what you’re going thru.

Life as it is…well, to those who feel the absence of love, a toast to the undying hope of the mind. And to those who celebrate its presence, I’m happy for all of you… (Am I not???)

to wait endlessly is foolishness when the only thing that’s certain is uncertainty.

blindfolded by hope, it covers the eyes…eyes that stare at someone else in your absence.

the difficulty of loving is not loving itself…it’s how you embrace it when everything is swallowed by doubt… it’s how you keep those walls standing when everything is falling apart.

you love when you start to trust…its NEVER the other way around.

the sun buring my skin, boiling every ounce of blood in my head…in my body.

surrounded by morons and tinheads making me feel that i’m one of them…turning me into a low life.

the air that i breathe is filled with dry earth, getting into my system up into my brain. and there it consumes the memories of bliss…happiness… i have stored for the day.

as i lay my head tonight, i will again gather blissful thoughts to be consumed by tomorrow.

this is my everyday life…in this desert of the dumb…